Articles with Pen

Thoughts and Sayings (April 2012)

thinker

Here are some thoughts and sayings I posted on Twitter and/or Facebook in March. To my knowledge, I made these up (for better or for worse). Sit back, relax, and enjoy the write!

Encouraging Words

1. When you overestimate your abilities, you end up feeling shortchanged.

2. I’m swimming in the sea of life when I’d rather be on the shore sipping on a drink and watching the sunset.

3. I’m writing my pièce de résistance. I’ve struggled with it for so long that it will never stop fighting with me.

4. I’m determined to get something done today. Does drinking coffee count?

5. The tongue is mightier than the pen.

6. Seize the day! If you do, be prepared for a struggle.

7. If your dream has become a nightmare, it’s time for a new one.

8. The best way to attract real friends is to be real.

Twisted Words

9. Why can’t “good afternoon” be “good beforeevening“?

10. Says the cream puff to the chocolate éclair: “Wow, this place is desserted.”

11. Warning: Ultraviolent rays have the ability to kill you.

12. Aerodramatic: The art of crying at the speed of flight.

13. I’m not sure if I’m more sardonic or sarcastic. Perhaps sardoncastic.

14. Don’t take wood for granite.

15. Overheard at a meeting of contortionists: “Be flexible!”

16. Never suggest a health condition is grave to someone who is terminally ill.

Holidays & Events

17. Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Since you’re in the green, I get the gold.

18. Beware the Ides of March,” said the soothsayer to Julius Caesar. His English was impeccable.

19. Beware, beware the Ides of March! Psst…what’s an ‘Ides’?

20. Heading into Super Tuesday, the polls showed that the new iPad is leading by a wide margin.

21. Happy Cinco de Marzo! Oh, wait, sorry. I’ll be back in a couple of months.

22. I forgot that yesterday was Leap Year and marched right past it.

Random Musings

23. European chocolates are delicious but too delectable to eat like candy.

24. Why aren’t there any books with the opening sentence, “It was a bright and calm morning?”

25. A guy walks into a bar. It was metal. It hurt.

26. My bed is calling. For some reason, it’s saying, “You have reached a non-working number. Please hang up and try again.”

27. Thank you for paying attention to me. However, my medium of exchange is cash.

28. You have reached a real person. If you feel you’ve reached me in error and prefer an automated system, contact 800-SPAM-BOT.

29. When food is revolting, does it rebel against you?

Intra-galactic Sophomoric Humor

30.  Uranus is the most joked about planet in the solar system.

31.  Earth stands between Mars and Venus to keep them from fighting.

32.  The moon always moons the earth at night so that it won’t get caught.

33.  The planetoid Makemake has a satellite called “Dodo.”

 

Click here to read the previous batch of Thoughts and Sayings.

Straight from the Headlines (2005 Edition)

Al Jazeera in Talks to Purchase ‘The Onion’

Doha, Qatar (RFN) – Arab network seeks to expand U.S. presence by purchasing popular U.S. news source ahead of highly anticipated IPO

Qatar-based Al Jazeera is in negotiations to purchase a majority stake in The Onion, a popular U.S. news source.  Al Jazeera spokesman Jihad Ballout refused to confirm the network’s interest in purchasing the media company, citing regulatory concerns in advance of its upcoming initial public offering.

The company is interested in establishing an international media presence.  It has also been in talks with London-based The Guardian to purchase a minority stake.  The Onion, a weekly news publication read by millions in print and online, is one of the most popular news sources among 18-35 year olds in the U.S.   Sources indicated that two companies are in the advance stage of negotiation, although negotiations in recent days have been delayed by disagreement over whether ‘The Onion’ would keep its name or change it to ‘Al Onion.’

Guantanamo Bay’s Tourism Industry Suffers from Prisoner Abuse Scandal

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (RFN) – Tourism to Guantanamo Bay down 63% in 2004 due to allegations of prison abuse

Officials at Guantanamo Bay confirmed that recent prisoner abuse scandals have significantly depressed tourism in the U.S. enclave.  Tourism had been robust in recent years as hundreds of Americans and other visitors visited the small site in southeast Cuba.  Tourism increased with the launch of Guantanamo Bay’s “See the Other Cuba” marketing campaign in 2003 and the increasing popularity of the site’s “Naval Reservation Boundary” tour.  In 2003 344 tourists visited Guantanamo Bay.  By 2004 tourism dropped to just 217, a decrease of 63%.  Officials believe that tourism may recover to its previous level once the scandals have been resolved.

Korean Star May End Film Career

Seoul (RFN) – Popular Korean film star Bae Yong Jun may end his film career to concentrate on other endeavors

Korean film star Bae Yong Jun, affectionately known as ‘Yonsama’ and ‘BYJ’ to his legions of fans, may be filming his last film.  The star of the popular “Winter Sonata” drama series is currently filming the highly anticipated film, “April Snow.”  When asked by reporters about his future plans, the star responded, “I’m not sure.  I might try telemarketing.  People say I have a great voice for it.”

Fans worldwide were shocked and dismayed by the revelation that Bae might leave acting.  Distraught Yonsama fan, Yuri Kurasawa of Fukuoka said, “I don’t know what I’ll do if Yonsama retires.  They can have Dokto [Islands]—just let us have Yonsama!”

“I love BYJ.  Where will he work?  I want to call him!” asked Kim Haejin of Seoul.

Bae’s “Winter Sonata” series contributed over $1.1 billion in Korean-Japanese trade in 2004 and has become a popular contraband item in North Korea.

‘Star Wars’ Shocker:  Anakin Skywalker’s Father Revealed

Skywalker Ranch (RFN) – The third and final installment in the ‘Star Wars’ saga opening May 19 reveals that Senator Palpatine is Darth Vader’s father

Director George Lucas has been mum on the subject, but unidentified sources close to the filming of “Revenge of the Sith” confirm that the character of Senator Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, is Anakin Skywalker’s father by birth.  Skywalker, better known as Darth Vader, has long been associated with immaculate conception by his mother.  Because fans reacted favorably to the revelation that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker’s father in the movie “The Empire Strikes Back,” Lucas decided to use the same strategy in filming his latest installment in the saga.

“We needed to do well with this film because the last two did so poorly.  We believe this will help bring back the magic of the first three films.  George [Lucas] still regrets writing Jar Jar Binks into the script,” the source confirmed.  “If we throw in Chewbacca, Luke and Leia, why not make Palpatine his dad?  We’re still trying to figure out how to write Han Solo as a baby into the script.”

ACLU Seeks an End to April Fool’s Day

Los Angeles (RFN) – The American Civil Liberties Union, citing possible civil rights violations on April Fool’s Day, plan lawsuits to end practical jokes

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it welcomes anyone who believes they are a potential victim of April Fool’s Day to contact the civil rights organization.  The ACLU will prepare cases for eligible claims in an effort to stamp out the common household and office practice.  If you believe you have wrongly duped by an April Fool’s Day joke and seek redress, contact the ACLU at 968-3665 (YOU-FOOL).

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