Language – Page 4

Thoughts and Sayings (May 2012)

Here are some thoughts and sayings I posted on Twitter and/or Facebook in April. To my knowledge, I made these up (for better or for worse). Sit back, relax, and enjoy the write!

Encouraging Words

1. When I was younger, I had health and time but no money. As an adult, I have health and money but no time. When I’m old, I will have money and time but not health.

2. I have 24 hours, 2 hands, and 1 brain at my disposal every day. That’s a lot to manage at the same time.

3. Coercion will get you anywhere. Of course, you may not like where it takes you.

4. Success blossoms when others cultivate it.

5. It’s easy to pretend that everything is roses, but it’s hard to hide the wounds when the thorns cut deep.

Twisted Words

6. I’m so plugged in that my feet are in the holes and my head’s in the ground.

7. Inspiration is like lightning. Once it strikes, it quickly bolts.

8. Divided, we Fall. United, we Spring.

9. Why are football (soccer) clubs united? Why can’t one be divided?

10. Someone told me my singing is so cheesy that it sounds nothing like that famous opera singer Pepperoni.

In Its Own Write

11. Writing: The ability to put something back on the page where it belongs.

12. “Write” is a combination of “rite” and “wit.” To do it well takes discipline and whim.

13. Forcing a writer to become a plotter is de-pantsing.

Holidays & Events

14. This year’s April Fool’s Day is now on Friday, the 13th of April, so that you can make people look like fools and give them bad luck.

15. Easter is in April. When is Wester?

16. Completing the monstrous IRS Form 1040 to file U.S. taxes is a reminder why those who file in the Cayman Islands or the Bahamas do.

17. There’s been some kind of mix up. The taxman showed up on my deathbed, and I cheated the Grim Reaper.

Random Musings

18. Today is a good day. I woke up, got the kids off to school, made some coffee, and am now sitting down to work with no interruptions. *knock, knock* Oh, sorry, be right back. Someone’s at the door.

19. I can’t decide who’s tougher — the Iron Lady or Iron Man.

20. Waiting in traffic for a dignitary to pass is such a royal pain.

21. Nothing is hot; everything is hot. All deadlines are imposed.

22. Have gum, will travel. Except to Singapore.

23. Good night to all, and to all night good.

Click here to read the previous batch of Thoughts and Sayings.

Thoughts and Sayings (April 2012)

Here are some thoughts and sayings I posted on Twitter and/or Facebook in March. To my knowledge, I made these up (for better or for worse). Sit back, relax, and enjoy the write!

Encouraging Words

1. When you overestimate your abilities, you end up feeling shortchanged.

2. I’m swimming in the sea of life when I’d rather be on the shore sipping on a drink and watching the sunset.

3. I’m writing my pièce de résistance. I’ve struggled with it for so long that it will never stop fighting with me.

4. I’m determined to get something done today. Does drinking coffee count?

5. The tongue is mightier than the pen.

6. Seize the day! If you do, be prepared for a struggle.

7. If your dream has become a nightmare, it’s time for a new one.

8. The best way to attract real friends is to be real.

Twisted Words

9. Why can’t “good afternoon” be “good beforeevening“?

10. Says the cream puff to the chocolate éclair: “Wow, this place is desserted.”

11. Warning: Ultraviolent rays have the ability to kill you.

12. Aerodramatic: The art of crying at the speed of flight.

13. I’m not sure if I’m more sardonic or sarcastic. Perhaps sardoncastic.

14. Don’t take wood for granite.

15. Overheard at a meeting of contortionists: “Be flexible!”

16. Never suggest a health condition is grave to someone who is terminally ill.

Holidays & Events

17. Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Since you’re in the green, I get the gold.

18. Beware the Ides of March,” said the soothsayer to Julius Caesar. His English was impeccable.

19. Beware, beware the Ides of March! Psst…what’s an ‘Ides’?

20. Heading into Super Tuesday, the polls showed that the new iPad is leading by a wide margin.

21. Happy Cinco de Marzo! Oh, wait, sorry. I’ll be back in a couple of months.

22. I forgot that yesterday was Leap Year and marched right past it.

Random Musings

23. European chocolates are delicious but too delectable to eat like candy.

24. Why aren’t there any books with the opening sentence, “It was a bright and calm morning?”

25. A guy walks into a bar. It was metal. It hurt.

26. My bed is calling. For some reason, it’s saying, “You have reached a non-working number. Please hang up and try again.”

27. Thank you for paying attention to me. However, my medium of exchange is cash.

28. You have reached a real person. If you feel you’ve reached me in error and prefer an automated system, contact 800-SPAM-BOT.

29. When food is revolting, does it rebel against you?

Intra-galactic Sophomoric Humor

30. Uranus is the most joked about planet in the solar system.

31. Earth stands between Mars and Venus to keep them from fighting.

32. The moon always moons the earth at night so that it won’t get caught.

33. The planetoid Makemake has a satellite called “Dodo.”

Click here to read the previous batch of Thoughts and Sayings.

Thoughts and Sayings (March 2012)

Here are some thoughts and sayings I posted on Twitter and/or Facebook in February. To my knowledge, I made these up (for better or for worse). Sit back, relax, and enjoy the write!

1. I have a hangover from a heavy bout of writing and imbibing the fruits of my labor.

2. “Passive aggressive” is how an aggressive individual describes a passive person who has finally had enough of them.

3. From morning to evening I toil, and from evening to morning I rest. Ne’er shall the twain meet unless fate takes away the rest.

4. Whenever I burn the midnight oil, all I have left the next day are fumes.

5. Fascinating Oscar tidbit: No one named Oscar has ever won an Oscar.

6. Don’t bite the hand that doesn’t feed you either.

7. Oh how I hate to get up in the morning, oh how I hate to get out of bed. I think I’ll pretend it’s evening instead.

8. I dropped a bombshell, but it was a dud.

9. Why climb a mountain when you can level it?

10. Mornings are like dreams. Sometimes you never want them to end, and sometimes they’re simply nightmares.

11. If lettuce has a head, where’s the body?

12. A hippopotamus that criticizes another is being hippocritical.

13. I hired myself to manage my personal affairs. The pay is lousy, but I have a great boss.

14. I fired myself from managing my own affairs. I was taking the job too personally.

15. I’m exhausted. That’s great if you’re a muffler, but not if you’re a snorer.

16. I can’t understand why real life keeps me from spending time online with my imaginary friends.

17. That sound bite took a chunk out of my ear.

18. Facebook should let you friend yourself and Twitter should let you follow yourself so you can receive updates on how you’re doing.

19. A romantic ditty to tell your loved one on Valentine’s Day: “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing.”

20. Love is patient, love is kind, but you better buy red roses or you’re going to be in a heap of trouble.

21. Somebody should write a book called “A Pair of Normal Bromances” about some average Frankenstein’s Monsters who share a strong fraternal bond.

22. Saying something when everyone is asleep is a great way to be heard. It’s just too bad no one is around to listen to what you have to say.

23. I try to embrace my differences, but they’re always arguing with each other. Most of the time I have to separate them.

24. I rid myself of the negative energy but now have none left.

25. It’s more fun to be the younger sibling when you get older.

26. I wonder what my mind is thinking right now.

27. The Squat Heard ‘Round the World – The New York Giants beat the New England Patriots in the Superbowl by an unwanted touchdown.

28. The world’s going to hell in a hand basket but doesn’t have enough material to finish weaving it.

29. I’m so far behind that it’s going to take me awhile to get less farther behind.

30. Does Punxsutawney Phil make you want to run and hide or leave you scared of your own shadow?

31. The slash and burn method works whenever you have piles of work to do and they’re all hot.

32. Light can’t travel. It doesn’t have suitcases or a passport.

33. I just got back from a bike ride. It gave me a chance to catch up with my thoughts. Walking was too slow.

34. Rovio should partner with Warner Bros. to produce a game called “Tweety Birds” where angry yellow birds pelt Sylvester the Cat with 140 character tweets.

35. “Name the Wat” is a fun game to play in Thailand where you nickname a temple, or “wat,” whenever you see one. My favorite temples are “Wat Dowedonow” and “Wat Areyoudoin.”

36. If a movie is boring, here’s a trick to make it more interesting. Pick one character and count how many times they do one thing on screen. Sarah Jessica Parker brushed aside her hair no less than 16 times (not counting scratching head lice) in “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” Watching her was very entertaining.

Click here to read the previous batch of Thoughts and Sayings.