Humor

Milk is cheaper than gas

I filled my gas tank today and was shocked by the price of a gallon of gasoline (around $3.00 per gallon).  I know I am slow to react to this fact, but I just realized today that the price of a gallon of gas is higher than the price of a gallon of milk.  Big Oil, got milk?  Can the Big Three start making dairy-powered cars?  If milk is good enough for my body, then shouldn’t it be good enough for my car?

Straight from the Headlines (2006 Edition)

Luxembourg and Germany to Co-Host 2006 World Cup

Zurich, Switzerland (RFN) – The Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) announced today that Luxembourg will join Germany in co-hosting the 2006 World Cup, the world’s premier football event.  Following the announcement, a jubilant crowd of 35 Luxembourgers gathered near Luxembourg City Stadium shouting “Vive Luxembourg!”  FIFA’s unexpected decision followed recent efforts by the European Union to assuage strained relations between the two EU member states.  FIFA’s move also mitigates mounting concerns that Germany will have difficulty single-handedly hosting the world’s largest single-sport competition.

“The joining of Luxembourg and Germany today to co-host this event shows the power of nations working together to promote world peace,” said FIFA President Joseph S. Blatter.  “We hope that the only conflict will take place on the football field.  Our referees will keep their yellow cards handy.”

Tensions between the two countries rose recently following a controversial speech given by Dresden Alderman Georg Schtimmpf.  In it, he claimed that the name “Luxembourg” originated from the German language, contrary to the view of Luxembourger scholars who consider the name to be French.  Despite Luxembourger demands for an apology, the German Parliament declined to take action.  Alderman Schtimmpf has gone into hiding and was unavailable for comment.  So far this year several Germans and Luxembourgers have been injured following mishaps with German and Luxembourger beer and wine bottles.

FIFA has not yet announced whether the Luxembourg national football team will receive automatic entry into the World Cup.  Luxembourg has not announced whether it will field a team.

Disgruntled Voters Launch Utopian Party

Boston (RFN) – Delegates from around the United States representing frustrated voters rallied today near Boston Harbor and announced the founding the Utopian Party, a new party for disillusioned American voters.  50 Utopian Party delegates representing each U.S. state spent two days behind closed doors negotiating their new party’s platform.  The party announced its intention to nominate Congressman Bernard I. Sanders (I-Vermont) to head the new party.  It will formally ask the Congressman to assume party leadership at its upcoming convention.  Confidental sources assert that Billionaire Ross Perot, Commentator Pat Buchanan, and former Senator Jim Jeffords of Vermont are also potential candidates to lead the new party.  Interim spokesperson Ariana Huffington declined comment on news that she would serve as interim Utopian Party leader.

Invoking images of the Boston Tea Party, delegates expressed frustrations over the two major political parties, citing several instances where the parties failed to deliver results.  In her initial press briefing, Spokesperson Huffington stated, “The two major parties have failed us.  The Utopian Party will be different.  We will promise everything to everyone so that when something happens, we can honestly say that we did what we said we would do.  We are tired of promises without results, and you are too.  The Utopian Party’s promises will fit the results.”

The Utopian Party will reconvene in Los Angeles next month and begin seeking candidates for the 2006 U.S. election.

Hyundai Air Earns Record Profits on Manufactured Air

Seoul, Korea (RFN) – Yesterday investors sent the price of Hyundai Air (KOSPI:HAIR) soaring in late trading on news that it recorded record profits during the first quarter of 2006.  Hyundai Air, a subsidiary of the Hyundai Group, earned a record U.S. $1.6 billion on sales of $6.3 million drivenly largely by a 153% increase in sales of manufactured air.

Hyundai Air’s special air manufacturing process, patented in 2004, has won it substantial business worldwide, earning the company a 3% global market share.  Nature still retains 97% of the market, a figure that Hyundai Air hopes to match in the next few years.  According to Spokeperson Kim Bum Suk, “We’re well on our way to successfully adding value to a commodity product.  Customers prefer value-added products over commodities.  At Hyundai, we want our customers to rely on us for everything.  We want them to buy their Hyundai car, cell phone, computer, and television at the Hyundai Department Store and take them home to their Hyundai apartment.  Hyundai Air is a natural fit for the Hyundai lifestyle.”

Hyundai Air was founded in 2003 by its corporate parent to complement a wide range of products that meet every need.  In addition to manufactured air, the Hyundai Group offers consumers a vast array of goods and services available at virtually any retail outlet.  Riding upward momentum of Hyundai Air, the Hyundai Group established a new airline, Hyundai Airline, that will begin worldwide operations in late 2006.  Investors looking for corporate synergies are hopeful that the exhaust from Hyundai Airline jets will help drive demand for manufactured air and that Hyundai Air will in turn keep the airline afloat.

Pitt and Jolie Caught Breathing on Tape

Hollywood (RFN) – The April edition of Paparazzi Magazine (PM) reveals that Hollywood megacouple and actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie disrupted their film dialogue to breath together during several scenes in the hit movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”  The film, starring Pitt and Jolie as a husband and wife who double as secret agents hired to kill one another, earned over $186 million at the box office and sparked the match-made-in-Hollywood romance that led to the megacouple’s marital merger.

PM Reporter Cecil Broadside uncovered the breathing during several movie viewings while preparing to cover their covert wedding ceremony.  “I couldn’t believe.  It was right there, and no one caught it.  You heard it here first,” Broadside wrote in the article entitled “Brad Pitt:  From Chicken Suit to Stardom.”

Actress Jennifer Aniston was not available for comment and declined to discuss her break up with Pitt.  She is currently on the talk-show circuit promoting her upcoming movie “The Break-Up” co-starring Vince Vaughn.  No word yet on a possible intimate pairing of Aniston and Vaughn.

ACLU Seeks an End to April Fool’s Day

Los Angeles (RFN) – The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), citing possible civil rights violations on April Fool’s Day, plan lawsuits to end practical jokes.  The ACLU asks those who are potential victims of April Fool’s Day pranks to contact the April Fool’s hotline at their earliest convenience.  The ACLU will prepare cases for eligible claims in an effort to combat this offensive practice.  If you believe you have wrongly duped by an April Fool’s Day joke or prank and seek redress, contact the ACLU at 968-3665 (YOU-FOOL).

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No, the other restroom

Yesterday the weather was gorgeous, so we ventured out to explore a little more of Korea.  We drove to Suwon, a city about one hour southwest of Seoul.  The urban sprawl of Greater Seoul has expanded so far afield that Suwon is now an exurb of the Seoul megapolis.  Many Suwon residents make the long, long commute to Seoul for work.  A friend of mine who lives in Suwon commutes each weekday by subway to his workplace in downtown Seoul. 
 
We spent the day touring Hwaseong Fortress, a UNESCO World Heritage Site.  I’ll tell you more about our trip to Suwon tomorrow, but tonight let me tell you about something really funny that happened at Hwaseong Fortress.  My son needed to go potty, and my wife took him for a restroom break.  A couple minutes later, I went into the men’s restroom.  I heard my son’s voice chirp from a bathroom stall.  I asked my wife, "What are you doing in the men’s restroom?"
 
My wife answered, "What do you mean?  This is the women’s restroom." 
 
I smiled.  "Um, honey…this is the men’s restroom."  I was right.  I couldn’t see my wife or son, but I imagined my wife’s face turning red.  She asked, worried, "Is there anyone else out there?" 
 
I answered, "Oh, just the ajuma (older woman) mopping the floor."  Just moments before, an elderly female janitor entered the men’s restroom to mop the floor.  She didn’t seem to mind in the least that I was present. 
 
Here I was in the men’s restroom, outnumbered by two women.  Thank goodness I wasn’t using the facilities at the time!  My wife claims she didn’t read the signs correctly.  You can judge for yourself from the photo below of the offending bathroom whether the restroom is clearly marked as a men’s restroom.  Note the conspicuous lack of privacy, something all too common in Korean restroom design.  My wife was a really good sport after it happened, especially for allowing me to blog about it.  I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to immortalize this humorous event.
 
For the Shutterbugs:  I posted some photos from our trip to Suwon in a new photo album for your viewing pleasure.